Do Men and Women Love Differently?

Thanks to Matt from Online Dating Paradox for a comment he recently left me that prompted this blog post.

Matt said:

"Do you think that there really is a difference between "falling in love," and "being in love?" They both seem similar to me and personally never drop the L-bomb until I'm absolutely sure about it."

Personally, yes, I think there is a difference and I think men and women view it differently. For me, falling in love and being in love are essentially the same thing. The moment I admit I am falling for someone, I am basically saying that the deed has been done--I drank the kool aid. But for men, I tend to believe they say "falling in love" when they are not entirely sure just yet. Sure they definitely feel very strongly about you, but they are not yet ready to commit to saying I love you. Would you agree?

I decided to ask some of my friends if they would share their view:

Nando:

Falling in Love is the process of "wonderful" that occurs when you meet someone who floats your boat. A person can "fall in love" several times a month, year, and even a day because of the chemicals released in the "falling in love" stage which are driven by the IYH Syndrome. Early in relationships, when everything is shiny and new--like an uncut penis--we want to "believe" that this person we're romanticizing will be everything we've always wanted--and I'm not here to crush your spirits. Why? Because it's actually happening to me--but I can't really say that I'm falling in love just yet--it's too early, but I know I think about him during the day when I'm writing, giving a presentation or even when accidentally "touching myself"--Oy, did I just admit that?

But there's an inexplicable slide show (like when scrolling through photos on an iPhone) that whisks through my head when I think of him. I see our first date and how nervous he was, him telling me to hold onto his arm as we crossed the street in the rain under his umbrella, our first kiss which was like a 1940s romance. And as cheesy as all my thoughts of him sound, for me, I still can't say I'm falling in love with him--I'm just really so deep "in like." So when does the falling in love part start? Cause child, I don't want a wedding ring--but I sure would settle for an onion ring.

Being in love is the real "nitty-gritty" hard hitting stuff that gels a couple together. That's the: "I've seen you throw up and have cleaned it off your cheeks because I love you." The real stuff like fighting over money because there just isn't enough of it--yet after the fight you both scrounge up $5 bucks and go out for an ice-cream cone to cheer up. It's wanting to see your partner succeed in all their ideas, it means sacrifice at times. Being in love is the real deal--the mechanics of the relationships, the "what's under the hood" stuff. Everything else is just for show. I've been in love several times--each one different than the other, and I still love these guys, in fact they've turn into my biggest support system because I find that if it really was love--the real stuff--it never goes away. Love changes forms, shapes and color--but because of the gods in the heavens, it always remains.

Abiola:

Ah Love. We all know the old saying, women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex, and smart women use vibrators to get off.

Fine. I added the last part myself but you must admit it has a nice buzzzz to it.

The stereotype is that women love deeper. This past weekend I watched a BBC film version of Jane Austen's novel Persuasion. The main character Anne Elliot is all caught up in a dramatic almost love affair with a hot sailor named Captain Wentworth. I swear that this was not a telenovela. At any rate Anne gets into a convo about whether there's a difference between male and female love. The main thrust of her argument is that women love deeper because there's less to occupy our minds. Anne, homegirl, we're pretty sure this wasn't true then and it damn sure isn't true now.

Although we approach love differently I believe in my heart that men and women love the same. We're both human, passionate creatures. For every wacked out Beethoven with his bloody ear his velvet pocket, there's an angry astronaut chick on a highway in a smelly diaper. Ok, bad examples. Suffice it to say that love makes both men and women gloriously insane, and I don't think that for better or for worse we would have it any other way.

And thank goodness too. As one who ponders this stuff for a living-- as a voluntary on-camera messy-nista, in my books, shameless videos and daily column I'd be out of a job!!

Mike:

I think it is pretty clear that both men and women suffer from the same wonderful/dangerous hormonal ecstasy of "falling in love." It is a truly wonderful chemical, limbic brain response that proceeds the next stage of love, "being in love."

While talking to my friend Jack, from F*cking in Brooklyn, he hit upon a phenomenon that I have never expressed in words. He said, "Women see a relationships as linear progression, eventually leading to marriage and children."

I would add, that men see relationships as a circular path of possibilities, which all need to be acted upon. The bottle stops spinning only when a woman is so exceptional that the desire to be in love, forces him on the linear path with the woman.

So what are your thoughts? Do men and women view falling in love and being in love differently?