Date at the Bowling Alley and Another Crazy Tale

Being relieved that Jerry thought I was good looking, I too was relieved that he was actually better looking than his pictures, although he didn't have a much of an ass, but Ok, no one can ever have it all. He tells me he's never been to the bowling alley we're at and asks if I have. I tell him, "Just once" and I can tell he knew it was for a date. "Do you take all of your dates here?" he queries. "No, because I like some variety." I smirk.

All of the lanes are filled with teenagers and we ask how long our wait will be. We're told 30 minutes and decide we'll play pool instead, which is in the same building down the hall. They ask for a license and Jerry looks at me and says, "You'll have to give them yours, I forgot my wallet at home." I raise an eyebrow and question him, "You knew you were coming on a date and you forgot your wallet? Why would you drive an hour without a license?" "My brother is a state trooper, I'm not worried about it." I look him directly in the eyes and say, "That's sketchy."

We get set up at the pool table and I take off my jacket. I can totally tell he is checking me out because he is so obvious...which becomes the theme for the night: checking me out, telling me how attractive I am, memorizing what I look like, his eyes boring into my skull. I have flash backs to the worst date ever and the germaphobe guy. But this guy is good looking, which just makes me tell him to knock it off.

He offers to get me something to drink and asks if he wants our name on the waiting list for a lane. As he walks away, I just feel so self conscious about how I look due to his eyeballs constantly groping me. We play pool for a little while and then our names are called.

We bowl our first game and he totally kicks my ass. I usually always win, so I love the competition. We laugh a lot and he asks me the usual questions. At one point he takes my hand to look at the ring I am wearing, but I could tell it was just an attempt to somehow touch me.

I beat him by 2 points in the second game and was winning game 3. He asked me if he could stand next to me and help me bowl. I smirk and tease him that he is just trying to distract me from winning. He makes comments about wanting to smack my ass. I ignore him. Then he asks me what I wear to bed. I whip my head around in dismay and ask, "What?"

"Do you wear anything?"

"Yes, of course I do."

"What do you wear?"

"Are you seriously asking me this question?" I clearly sound annoyed.

"Oh. You wear a housecoat to bed."

"With slippers and my bi-focals." And I go on to bowl a strike.

Each time I go up for my turn I can feel his eyes just glued to my backside. I turn around and tell him to stop looking at me. He laughs and tells me to stop being worried about what I look like.

After the game is done we decide to go back to playing pool. He clearly knows how to play this like a pro and beats me every game. He asks questions and then comments that I am very guarded. I ask what he means and he says I move away from him a lot and don't let him near me. I didn't realize I was doing it, but he rarely broke a stare with me and that made me uncomfortable. If there was anything I could say about this guy, it was that he made good, consistent eye contact.

In conversation it comes out that he was never married, but was with the same woman he has a son with for 10 years. I question commitment issues in my head. He says he hasn't seen his son in a month. He tells me he used to be a heavy drinker but quit years ago. He asks if I've ever dated a married man. I thought it was an odd question. He makes comments about it not being any fun to do things alone and it's nice to do things with someone else...but I can totally get that he is inferring about sex.

We play pool until about 1am mixing good conversation with many awkward moments and questions on his part: "When was your last date?" "When was the last time you made out with a guy?" He tells me he is forward and says I seem like the kind of girl that is not a good communicator. I tell him that I just have tact. He then looks at me and asks, "So are you coming home with me tonight?" "Are you kidding? No," remembering my promise to Mike. "Oh, so you're taking me home then?" he jokes. "Wow, you are crazy," I say. He gets up and finishes hitting all the remaining balls in. Says, "Let's do something else. Are you hungry?" I tell him I can tell he is tired and maybe he should just go home. He says he's not too tired as we go to check out.

He clearly had a lot of cash on him and I wondered to myself why he wouldn't take a wallet with him. I think he's hiding something. I also keep wondering why all of the good looking guys I have been dating lately seem to have issues. I decide I am Googling him when I have a chance.

We walk outside and he goes to his car and pulls up alongside mine. We both get out. It is 6 degrees out. He says he is just going to go home, but asks me to call him the next day. Says he had a good time. I laugh and tell him he is ending the date because he doesn't want to put any more energy into a date that is not going to yield him sex. He tells me I'm wrong, that yes he is that type of guy, but he's not being that type of guy right now. He won't make eye contact. I tell him goodnight and get in my truck.

Think to myself the whole ride home that there were too many alarm bells despite his good looks. Hop on Google and put in his name...come up with newspaper reports...arrested for stalking 3 weeks ago and put in jail because he couldn't make bail, arrested for an open container a year ago, and after lots of searching, I verify it is all definitely him...the no license makes sense now, the not seeing his kid for a month makes more sense. Shake my head and can't believe this is twice in a row. Wondering when my luck is going to improve.

Getting Back Into Dating

This past week I honestly cannot believe the amount of guys who have contacted me on both Match.com and Plenty of Fish. Never heard back from the 27 year old about going out, which is fine because he hasn't put any effort into getting to know me. Most of the conversations with these guys haven't really led anywhere, making me feel like I was contacted out of boredom. But, for the most part, I don't wait around for people to contact me, I typically am the one to find what I like and then drop him an email. I'm a go-getter like that.

I notice a picture of a good looking guy, says he is 41, doesn't use punctuation and appears to have an adorable young son. I make fun of all of the hunters where I live (because all of the guys have pictures of themselves with dead animals in their profiles) and noticed he had the same. I send an email, "I'll pretend I didn't notice the camo and say hi. ;)" He writes back and gets my joke. A few emails later and it is getting late; he asks to continue the conversation the next day.

Friday he emails as I am getting ready to go to a singles event at church. Yes, you heard me, at church. Oh, I am pulling out all the stops to meet mister right. Figure he won't be mister right now if he is found at church. But I digress...

"Jerry" emails me to ask if I want to meet up. I figure that I have nothing better to do and tell him I can meet up with him later on and give him my cell. He calls as I am driving in a dead zone and goes straight to voicemail. Forgot I say my last name there until he says my whole name laughing in the message. Crap, now he can google me, need to re-do that message.

I walk into church, it's movie night and it already started. I walk into the auditorium to find only 5 people there. 4 elderly women and 1 guy. Sit for a minute to be polite and then get up and leave. I had hoped the guy who sits 2 rows in front of me with no wedding ring would be there. Guess I'll have to go on Sunday and try to get him to notice me. Not sure how just yet. Maybe I will tell him I am a angel sent by God...

I drive to a few places in the city while waiting for Jerry to call me back, when he does we decide to go bowling. I assure him he'll get his ass kicked. He is happy to hear this because he doesn't believe me. He'll see.

While waiting to meet Jerry I text Mike:

"Yeehaa I'm going on a date in an hour!"

"Jeez" followed by "Do I even have to say it?"

"Going bowling, no sex, don't worry."

"Ok, don't talk to him about the last guy."

This makes me think about earlier in the day when I told the furnace guys about Jack. Oops.

Jerry and I meet in the parking lot and he is very good looking. Very blue eyes, well dressed and has all his teeth. As soon as he sees me he says, "Ok let me look at you" pauses and then says, "You are really pretty." I feel relieved that I passed muster...

Unexpected Hello's

The darn heater seems broken and I knew it was time to call my heating guy. My heating guy actually has a son, my age, attractive...but married. I like when he comes here because it's nice to have a cute guy around the house.

Doorbell rings and as I open it Jeff flicks his cigarette onto my lawn. I tsk him and state, "You did not just throw that cigarette on my lawn now did you?" and smirk at him. Jeff throws his head back to laugh and when he does I notice there is someone standing behind him. A handsome guy, about 5'9" with salt and pepper hair around my age, shyly smiles with his hands in his pockets. I smile back and let them in.

Explain what's going on and take them down to the furnace. Stand around while they try to figure out what is going on. Handsome sidekick, I'll call him Nick, asks me if I have a screwdriver as he looks at my ex-husband's old work bench. I quickly say, "I'm a girl, I don't have tools," but then remember the screwdriver in the upstairs drawer and bring it to him. I tell them I'd be upstairs if they needed me. Quickly jet to the bathroom to re-brush my teeth since I was on my 3rd cup of coffee.

I hear Nick come upstairs and walk into the kitchen, so I follow and he commiserates with me on how loud the furnace is. At this point I realize I hadn't taken a shower yet, nor done my hair and I have no makeup on. I feel incredibly self conscious. I talk about wishing I didn't have to run the furnace so much, but that the wood stove is such a chore. He ends up agreeing that times are tough for everyone and quickly eyes the unfinished ceiling in the kitchen and my half renovated porch. I look down and mention they were things my ex-husband never finished and that eventually I would get around to them. He looks me in the eyes and tells me he's been divorced for 2 years, the way he looks at me is as if being divorced makes us part of the same club.

We start walking around my house talking about everything that was unfinished, he asks me what I do for a living, "if you don't mind me asking," he states. The whole time he keeps his hands in his pockets and he appears almost nervous around me. He tells me where he lives, which is only 20 minutes away and that he has a son. Says, "I walked away from that marriage with just my clothes and $5 in my pocket. She got the two houses." Then mentions that he paints and does carpentry. "I can come back another time and look at what you need done and give you an estimate. I won't charge you a lot, I'll just be happy for the work." I smile at the thought of him coming back again because he is incredibly cute and nice. I agree and he asks for a paper to write his number down. I hand it to him and notice he gives me both his cell and home number. I say, "Let me give you mine, so that if you know of a day you want to stop by you can call and let me know." I consider giving giving him my cell, but then opt to only give him my home number. Really, I just wanted him to have my number so that maybe he would call me to go out.

The guys wrap it up and come upstairs to collect their fee. Jeff starts talking about the furnace noise, which somehow prompts me to remember waking up in the middle of the night last weekend because I thought I heard someone knock on the door...it was the ice machine. They laugh. I decide to further explain that I thought it was the convicted felon. They laugh some more, but I realized I should've kept that to myself. Jeff bids me farewell and Nick says, "it was nice meeting you" and they leave. I kick myself for not having showered earlier.

An hour later I feel my fingers burning to text him. Realize they never brought back up my screwdriver. "Hey Nick, it's Dating Diva. Can you ask Jeff where my screwdriver is." It's genius, I think, as he texts me back. We go back and forth a few times and once I say I found it he tells me to have a good night.

So as I sit here with my furnace acting up again (It sounds like a train) I think I will be calling them again tomorrow (since they obviously didn't fix it right.) But this time I am showering before I call.

Do You Only Date One Person at a Time?

There was only one time in my life where I dated more than one person at once. I was 17 and working at a supermarket bakery. Oh that was the life. Frozen cookie dough in the freezer at my disposal, flirting with the guy in the meat department (who I am still friends with to this day and he is married to an actress. :/) and dating one of the stock boys. The stock boy, whose name was Tom, was a challenge and one of the most popular boys in school. I was dating him purely for that reason, as I felt he was a bit immature (most stock boys were...) But I also decided to date Mohammed and Greg during this time too.

It was this experience of trying to juggle who I told what to and keeping everyone's information sorted that made me decide that multi-dating was not for me. So even this past year and a half when I threw myself back onto the dating scene, I only dated one guy at a time much to all of my friends yelling, "Don't put all of your eggs into one basket!"

So now, as I am emailing a variety of guys all this past week, I am realizing that it really isn't that bad. Ultimately yes, I really only want to date one guy, but I think that with my recent string of bad luck (since August really!) that maybe I should re-visit dating more than one guy at once. There's something slutty sounding about that, yet guys do it all of the time...so why can't I?

Vetting the Next Guy I Date

Once it had been several days since Jack had emailed me (and prior to the revelation that he was a convicted felon), I decided to re-publish my dating profile. I immediately began getting emails, which was somewhat exciting, yet scary at the same time. I put myself into "proceed with caution" mode...

Guy #1, Age 34:

Super hot, buff guy: Hi, how are you?

Me: I'm great now, how are you?

Super hot, buff guy: Do you want to go out sometime? (yes within seconds he was asking me out!)

Me: Don't you even want to at least ask me a few questions first to see if we even have anything in common?

Super hot, buff guy: Not really, that's what a date is for.

Me: That means it would be a for real blind date. Let me think about that...

And I am still thinking and he hasn't tried to contact me since. Sorry, not sure I am ready for knowing nothing about the guy I am meeting up with. That may be too much deja vu for me.

Guy #2, Age 27:

Young boy: Your profile is funny. Have you ever dated anyone my age before?
Me: Youngest has been 30, but I can totally handle 27. Have you ever dated anyone 35 before?
Young boy: No, but that cougar thing is kind of a turn on.

We actually transition into normal conversation and exchange #'s to text. He does not give good text. Literally, "How are you?" then I respond and then nothing for 10 hours. Yawn. However he asked me to go out for coffee tonight, but I was unable to. Not sure if he took it as rejection, but I said the weekend would be good and I was told "I'll get back acha then." Crap, do I need to learn how to speak young boy now?

Guy #3, Age 30:

Somber Sully: Your profile is funny.

Me: Great, that's what I aim to do.

Somber Sully: I have two sons, ages 13 and 11. What are some of your interests?

Me (realizing that he had that first kid when he was 17): Laughter. Do you have a good sense of humor?

Somber Sully: My sense of humor is dry and dark. My job makes me have a negative outlook. Hey, at least I am honest.

Me: Are you sure we would be a good match?

There actually have been a few more guys, yes I know, isn't that crazy? It has only been a few days! But still, no one is really wowing me. I think I may go out with the 27 year old because he only wants to meet for coffee and I think it would be fun just to say I was all cougar for a night. I hardly think I could have anything in common with a guy who doesn't have kids, has never been married and hasn't tried hard to impress me... At least it might make for a good blog post.

What My Dating Profile Should Say Now That I Am Single Again

Attractive female seeks an equally attractive male who meets any or all of the below requirements:

Chef: I cannot cook to save my life. Please save me from starvation and malnutrition.

Mechanic: My truck is falling apart and it is in desperate need of repairs. If you are good with your hands, I definitely want them all over my hood and undercarriage.

Carpenter: Without anyone caring for my deck, it is slowly falling apart. As long as you provide the hammer, I will provide the nails.

Landscaper: My hedges really need to be trimmed often. This gets exhausting for me to do on my own (plus a little boring.)

Painter: I'm really not any good handling splatter when painting. I need someone who is a straight shooter and brushes the paint where it belongs.

If you think we'd be compatible (and you aren't a convicted felon thankyouverymuch), I'd love to hear from you.

xx Dating Diva

The Other Woman and the Web of Lies

This does not have a happy ending.

I'm writing this while I am still in the moment of learning details about who I was dating for the last several weeks. Because, you see, it was all a big lie. His name was real, but I'm pretty sure that out of everything I thought I knew about Jack, or that he told me, he was a pathological liar.

I had already given up hope on him. I hadn't heard from him all week and last night I decided to re-publish my dating profiles. I was sad about it though, don't be fooled.

Then this evening I get the email (well, multiple) that every girl hopes to never hear. "Hi Dating Diva, this is Jennifer, Jack's girlfriend...we have a child together, I need to know the truth."

It appears she has access to his email and he had deleted emails from me but had forgotten to empty the trash. It also appears that he has been with her for the last 5 years despite that he was married at some point during that time. Yes, he knocked up his wife and his mistress a few years apart. Nice.

Turns out that, yes, he does have 3 children...but all by different women. And the story about his ex-wife bringing the daughter(s) down last Friday? A big lie. Never happened. In fact, the whole reason he came here in the middle of the night was because he got into a fight with the girlfriend and felt like getting back at her by getting some booty.

And on our date on NYE? The two times he used the bathroom he was making phone calls to the girlfriend.

Oh I could go on and on. But the kicker? The real kicker? Was when she forwarded me the link to his public record in her local courthouse for him attempting to kill her. Oh yes my friends, not only is he up for a trial in March for trying to strangle her, but there was mention of a gun somewhere in there and that he was already a convicted felon.

Holy shit.

So now not only do I feel completely floored by the fact that I was "the other woman" but that a convincted felon who is awaiting trial for trying to kill someone had been sleeping in my bed. This is something I was not prepared for. It's something I could never tell by looking at him, or by what he said or how he acted. This guy is good. He is charming and sweet and convincing. But a pathological liar.

He knows that I know. And he knows that she knows. So naturally I am a little scared about what he may do. But hopefully he won't do anything since he is out on bail and won't want to mess with his possible 20 year sentence. Why she is even still with a guy who tried to kill her is beyond me.

Obviously I am glad to find out now, to not go any further and have even half the things she told me about, happen to me. I am happy I didn't fall for him entirely. I'm certainly happy he didn't fall for me, I can hardly imagine what would've happened if he became obsessed.

So in the words of White Snake, here I go again on my own.

The Difference Between Sex Addiction and Being a Ho Bag

I'm still over thinking. Haven't heard from Jack in several days and I am at the point now that I pretty much think I ruined this one too. If I think back to my long term relationships, and there were only a few, those were the guys I didn't sleep with right away. But if I think of all of the kazillion guys** in between...well, everything happened mainly by the second date (see the guy who demanded it by the 3rd date had no idea I would've just given in sooner! Stupid!)

Through some reflection of just the past year alone, that seems to be my running theme. Little Miss let's take this one for a test drive (and usually with much regret afterward because of all of the guys who have no idea what they are doing. Just sayin.) I realize I shouldn't blame it on anyone but myself, but I pretty much lived in a sexless marriage for so many years that it was like I was released into the wild once everything finally ended. And now sowing my wild oats is ruining what I am truly trying to go after. And I pretty much want to go buy a chastity belt at this point. Or be forced into the nunnery. Or go through electroshock therapy.

All I know is that I want to prevent myself from pushing away what I really want simply because I am a need-it-now kind of girl. And I don't just mean sex of course, I mean a relationship and all of that jazz. But I am pretty sure, unless the ho bag police are present on the next second date I ever have...it is likely to happen again.

**There really haven't been a kazillion guys, I'm not secretly Jenna Jameson.

Fear of More Failures in Dating

Every time I feel myself over thinking my current dating situation with Jack, in an effort to not sabotage it, I send spastic, extremely lengthy emails (texts, phone calls, et al) to Mike (MasterDater). I trust Mike enough to be a buffer for me, to tell me to calm down and to tell me to shut the hell up. Which he has no problem doing, of course.

The best thing about having a friend like Mike is that he tells me what other people are often afraid to say...the truth. He forces me to look at things in a different light and many times, to face things that most times even I don't realize are the true problem.

We had one such conversation last night into the wee hours of the morning when I was questioning how to know if Jack really sincerely liked me or if this whole thing was just about sex. I have a slight problem with over thinking. Every guy I have dated has told me this. Jack even already told me this. But last night Mike made me get to the root of this over thinking...and that's fear.

I am afraid of failure.

Sure, so isn't 99.9% of the rest of the world, but this fear is so paralyzing that it makes me sabotage my new dating relationships right from the beginning by putting expectations on everything and then making every effort to make myself and that person live up to them in order to avoid failing. Which, of course, results in more failure. You would think I would learn by now. But no.

Right now, I am afraid that Jack doesn't like me nearly as much as I like him. I'm afraid that everything that is interesting about me has already worn off. I'm afraid that he talks to his ex-wife far too often and that considering they had a child 2 years ago post-divorce, that he still may not be over his ex. I'm afraid that this will soon end and I will have to start all over again. And honestly, I am exhausted. Yet, lonely without love in my life that it makes me try again anyway.

I wish I could stop being afraid and I certainly wish I could stop being neurotic about it (at least I know Mike does.) So how do I get over this? How do I separate myself from it so that it stops ruining my relationships?

5 Ways to Ruin a Date

We've all been there. We get all excited and worked up to go on a date. We dream up all of the scenarios and play it out in our heads, but we almost never, think, this is going to be the worst date ever. Want to know what that looks like? Here are 5 ways to ruin a date:

1. Take calls and texts from your ex. I went on a 1st date with this guy who, within 5 minutes of meeting me, began texting with his ex-wife. All this says to me is that you cannot leave the past behind.
2. Talk about how much money you have. Guess what? I'm poor. I really don't want to hear about your wealth...especially when you only leave a penny tip for the waitress and tell me that it is a symbol to the Chef that dinner was good. In English, I believe the correct word for that would be cheap.
3. Show signs of addiction. This could be the constant need for a lifeline to nicotine, or ordering one beer after another, or even drinking so much coffee that I fear that taking me home to meet the family includes meeting Juan Valdez.
4. Discuss all of the places you found me online. Sure, I Google everyone I date, but I certainly don't tell them this. Yet I've had dates where the guys basically told me who my 1st grade teacher was by the first date. I don't need to know you are a stalker, not at least until I know the sex is bad and then it gives me a reason to drop you.
5. Order dinner items that contain garlic or onions. This is basically the universal symbol for "I don't want to kiss you tonight." Also? Forget me being able to look at you with a straight face for the rest of the night while you try to talk to me.
   

Honorable mention: Pee on a wall. (refer back to worst date ever.)

How to Stop Yourself From Falling For a Guy

It's true. I am quite smitten with Jack. Which feels entirely scary considering the last time I was this excited and happy over a guy it was April of last year followed by heartbreak by the end of that June. Since then it has been 1st date after 1st date, with a 6 week dysfunctional dating stint in between. So having made it to date 6 with Jack makes me very happy, especially when he tells me I am "beyond wonderful."

I know where I am heading and in order to prevent myself for falling for him entirely, I devised a few ways to put the breaks on my heart:

* Tell myself that I am too good for him. Remember those Stuart Smalley skits from Saturday Night Live? My daily affirmations will be "He will never amount to the man you need. He will probably wash reds with whites and not pre-rinse the dishes before running the dishwasher."

* Notice all of his bad habits. From leaving the toilet seat up to missing patches of beard when he shaves while driving down the highway, I will smile each time I take note knowing that it will prevent me from falling hard for this handsome guy.

* Convince myself he is weak because he is demonstrative. Really, you want to cuddle? That's for pansies! You want to stare at me all googly eyed and smile all of the time? Stop being a girl!

* Critique him during sex. Oh wait, everything is beyond good there. But, I will think of something damn it!

The thing is, no matter what ridiculous thing I try to come up with, I know that the more I talk to him and the more I spend time with him, the more the "I like this guy" level increases. Unless I discover something bad about him, like he watches The Jersey Shore. Then that is completely unacceptable.

Dating Old School Style

(Best dating video ever!)

Oh the good old days. Dating back in the late 80's and 90's was so much easier than it is now. If you liked a guy, you'd pine about him until you finally nudged your friend enough to tell him on your behalf. Then he would call you and hang around your locker in between classes--you were considered "going out," which automatically made you boyfriend-girlfriend by definition. You didn't say, "I'm dating so and so" and had to wait until you logged in a certain amount of time dating to earn the title of girlfriend. But now we are so touchy about that title; give it too soon and you could freak your partner out, wait too long and they will think maybe you just aren't that interested.

Old School dating included your boyfriend making you mixed tapes, having "your song," writing you notes (with an actual pen and paper, I know that's like ancient history, but still...) and he always wore Polo or Cool Water Cologne because he knew you loved it.

A date would consist of showing you off to his friends, whether that meant driving to the local park where everyone was hanging out blasting "Summer Girls" by Dino or any song by TKA on their radios; or giving you one half of a heart necklace. Sometimes, you would even wear matching outfits as a declaration of solidarity. And he always came to pick you up at your house. Always.

I miss that kind of dating. It was a time when guys didn't really play games, when they had no qualms about being openly affectionate towards you, where they always told you what they were thinking or feeling without fear of any repercussions from their friends. Things were simpler and easier to navigate. There wasn't any trying to track a guy down by cell, IM, email, texting...

It would be nice to date old school style once again. Just so I can feel like that 18 year old girl again, free of expectations and without fear of getting hurt.

I Vow Not to Let Anyone Waste My Time

When I first stepped into the dating scene again, I basically had no idea what I was doing, which in effect, let guys walk all over me. I made the mistake a few too many times of talking to a guy and not planning anything all weekend in hopes that he would ask me out or because he briefly mentioned the possibility of it. And each night I would wait until in last minute conversation they would mention they had made other plans. I would be distracted while working because he'd say he'd IM, text or call me. And even then, when on the phone or IM, I'd sit and wait during the long pauses thinking this was all completely acceptable.

Until one day I woke up and realized that these were guys who had no respect for my time.

I was always afraid to speak up, which for people who know me in real life, they would be baffled by that statement. I just didn't want to ruffle feathers and certainly didn't want this guy, any guy, to think I was bitchy, moody, et al.

But then I woke up and realized that talking to me on IM and letting 5-10 minutes go in between IM's was ridiculous. Or how many brb's would it take for me to realize that they really weren't that interested in talking to me? Or on the phone and take a second call, putting me on hold indefinitely.

So I made a few vows that I have faithfully kept for a year now, even when it is really difficult to do:

• I vow not to sit on hold so he can answer his call waiting. If he wants to take the call, he can call me back.
• I vow to not wait to make weekend plans simply in hopes that he'll ask me out. He'll learn he needs to make plans with me a few days earlier if he wants to spend any time with me.
• I vow that if the response time on IM begins to really lag or he keeps telling me to hold on or brb, that I will tell him I will talk to him when he is less busy.
• I vow that if he gives me a set time he'll call or meet up to go out and he is more than 15 minutes late (without calling), that I won't stick around and just go on with my day.

Have any vows you want to add to the list?

When All You Can Do is Believe

First can I tell you all how awesome you are? Wow so many comments to my Why Do Guys Bail post. Robyn inquired about a continuation of the story and here it is...

I woke up yesterday morning to find 2 emails in my inbox from Jack apologizing about Sunday and stating that his back had locked up on him, which landed him in the hospital. Probably on the second day of knowing him when we did the usual "so you are not on any medication right?" inquisition, he explained that he was taking muscle relaxers at night for compressed discs in his back and explained his several stints in the hospital for it. If this was a lie, it would be an elaborate one, as it surely would take a lot to keep up the act. My ex has extensive back problems, so I am pretty good about knowing if someone is telling the truth on this...and I believe he is.

A few times yesterday while I was working he would send an IM to say hi and ask how I was and then he would go back to sleep. Finally, I tried to call him only for it to go to voicemail immediately. I sent him a message asking him to charge his phone and he explained that his phone was at his tenant's house, as that is where everything happened on Sunday. The phone was left behind (on accident) and so was his vehicle. This explains why he emailed instead of calling.

Later that night he asked me to go on Skype to video chat with him so we could at least speak to each other while he didn't have his phone. I declined the video as I lost heat in my house yesterday, so a freezing cold 40 degree shower was out of the question. I looked like hell. He mentioned that at some point in the future he would see me without makeup on or my hair done anyway. (Yup, even despite him sleeping over, makeup was worn at all times my friends!) He was laying propped up in bed and it was obvious he hadn't shaved in days. It added more credibility to his story.

While talking he asked me how to delete his POF profile, stating he didn't need it anymore. Once he said, "It's done. I'm off there now," (and I of course looked to verify such details), I smiled. He couldn't see it of course.

At one point in our discussion about how the doctor's said he needs back surgery (he doesn't have health insurance, so it's not really an option for him) he held up his prescription bottle to show me what he was taking. I could clearly see on the label Monday's date, further making the story credible.

Sure, its seems like a little too much drama for only knowing a guy for two weeks, but I also know that I do like Jack and want to see what happens next. Which I totally realize could end with a broken heart, but like I said at the start of the new year, I'm going to take my chances.

Ps. That image made me think of a peep show. Maybe the forearms is all you get for a penny.

Guy Freak Out: Why Do Guys Bail?

Up until now, my understanding of a guy bailing has been equated to your typical one night stand. I'm not proud to admit I've had a few, however, it was all with men I thought wanted to date me (like as in dates plural) and only realized that it was never going past date 1 while date 1 was actually in progress. However, I have yet to have what appeared to be something amazing suddenly seem to end without explanation after the 4th date.

Jack and I were supposed to go out Friday night, but he had to cancel because his daughter ended up spending the night. I went out on my own and once home Jack started IM'ing me. Eventually we moved to Skype video chat and talked until 4am. From what I could tell, this guy was completely smitten with me (and I with him.) We made plans that we would go out the following night and he would stay the night.

It was a really great date and night. Lots of talk of being happy spending time with each other. I fell asleep smiling and couldn't wait to have the entire next day with him. But I awoke at 9am to find Jack already dressed, sitting next to me and staring at me. I smiled and said, "Good morning" and he smiled back and kissed my forehead. Then he said, "I'm going to get going. I have a lot of errands to do today." My sleepy-eyed stare immediately became more focused, as I confusingly said, "I don't understand. I thought you were staying until tomorrow?" "Well there's stuff I have to fix for a tenant and then errands I have to do for myself. I'm coming back though, don't worry. I'll come back at 2."

But in that moment, my gut told me he wasn't coming back.

"I didn't realize you were going to leave today."

"I'm coming back though, at 2."

"And staying over?"

"Definitely. What do you want to do today?"

We went back and forth about who should make the plans and finally he said he would think of something for us to do. He kept kissing me and hugging me, but I could tell something was off.

"Are you sure you're coming back? You are acting really weird."

"Yes, I'm going straight to the tenants house, then running my errands and I'll be back here at 2 the latest. Promise."

He walked out the door and did not return. He never showed and never called. I called and left 2 messages, but they have gone unreturned. I did not try to contact him at all today. I cannot grasp how something that looked so promising could suddenly just disappear without warning.

I realize it was only 11 days of my life, but this just re-opened a wound I had hoped to heal this year. I was told that what I just experienced was classic "guy freak out." Whatever it is, I didn't see it coming and it has left me a little leary about trying to date anyone any time soon out of fear of it happening again.

Guys I would love to hear from you--have you ever done this? Did you eventually get over it and go back to the girl?

Ladies, how did you handle this if it happened to you?

Update: Woke up to a few emails from him this morning apologizing. Said he had been in the hospital since Sunday; back locked up and was put on morphine. I believe him since early on he told me he was on medication for problems he has with his back.

Dating Stories: The Backup Plan

How many times has this happened to you? You contact someone, exchange emails and IM's..they appear interested, but yet don't ask you on a date. All of the flirtation and innuendo are there, and you always respond back because maybe this time he'll ask you out...but nope. That would be because you are the backup plan. Contacting you enough to keep you interested, but just short of actually landing the date.

This has happened to me more times than I would like to admit. It is also incredibly frustrating when you don't recognize it early on. There have been guys who seem to take up to two weeks to ask me out and then there have been those who talk to me and make indefinite plans, as in "maybe we'll hang out this weekend," but then I don't hear from them again until a few weeks later when they say, "Hey, how've you been?" as if no time has passed.

I had to force myself to realize it was nothing I did on my part, but that most likely they are courting other opportunities and were keeping me around for backup. Which, by the way? Rude.

Have you ever found yourself someone's backup plan? Or have you made someone a backup plan (this is me scowling at you)?

Dating: The 90 Day Rule

I mainly operate in two gears: slow and really fast. There really isn't an in between, which in dating, is not in the least bit desirable to potential dates. I recall last year when I was getting frustrated with the guy who let his friend grope me on Valentine's Day, asking a guy friend for advice on what to do with how I was feeling, now 2 months into dating this guy. Despite the fact that suspicions that he still was not over his ex were beginning to arise, I did really like him.

My friend explained to me that the beginning of any potential relationship should follow a 90 day rule. Sort of like a 90 day probationary period at a new job--it is the time when you are getting to know each other, to see if they'll screw up (and how they handle that) and as you approach 90 days, to decide if that person is worth potentially keeping around for the long term.

It made sense. A trial period, so to speak.

I remember two weeks shy of 90 days jokingly telling the guy that he better shape up or he would be done with come the 90 day point. I was only half kidding because, although I liked him, I wasn't sure he was still worth the time I was investing in the relationship. Sure enough, though, the relationship ended a few days before the end of his probationary period. I just couldn't do it anymore.

Every guy I have dated since then I have gone in with the full intention of trying to give them at least 90 days. Well except for the guy who was the worst date ever, but that goes without saying. And while putting a time limit on a relationship from the get go may seem self sabotaging, I try to look at it from the angle of realizing I am helping myself not to waste my time on relationships that just aren't working, rather than dragging it out and torturing myself.

Do you follow a similar concept? I'd love to hear it.

Pseudo Date 2

Every time I have dated this year, there are times when I know right away when it won't make it past hello and other times where I think possibly I will let the guy challenge my 90 day rule. Not sure how I knew just by looking at his online dating profile, but I am so up to letting NYE guy take that challenge.

So last night was pseudo date 2 with, let's give him a name, Jack. We had hoped to go out on Sunday night, however he ended up having his kids all weekend, so it didn't pan out. We agreed that last night he would come over after my kids were fast asleep and watch a movie.

15 minutes prior to his arrival, one of my best guy friends, Mike (the Master Dater) and I began texting. I needed to blow off some nervous energy and Mike always makes me laugh.

Mike: Promise me!!! You wont!! Bad girl, head only!!! Don't let him touch your vag!!!
Me: I do not promise! No! lol.
Mike: Pervert, don't do it.

At this point, I am laughing and see my date pull in the driveway.

Mike: I repeat! TAKE THE PENIS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!
Me: I can't promise. Sorry!

To be honest, I really had no intention of having sex with Jack, but I certainly was determined to re-enact the kiss from NYE.

He arrives looking incredibly hot. The funny thing I have noticed is that he is pretty shy. I, on the other hand, am not shy at all. He seems pretty nervous, which in turn, makes me more nervous. We head down to my family room locking the door behind us, where I already have the lights out, TV on and a fire going. I wanted to high five myself because it definitely was romantic.

After about 30 minutes of banter and getting the movie going, he looks at me, laughs and says, "You talk a lot when you're nervous." I know this and it is something that bothers me, so I just glance down. He puts two fingers under my chin, lifts up my face and looks me in the eyes, "No, I like it. You talk really fast when you're nervous. I think it's cute." Then he kisses me.

The next 4 hours are somewhat of a blur, which I will leave to your imagination (dirty minds!) and apologize to Mike...heh. In conversation Jack did tell me he was taking his profile offline, had no intentions of dating anyone else and wanted to see me again. I do recall telling myself in my head that I need to be careful with my heart here. I don't want to end up broken hearted again. I also need to remind myself to stay the strong personality type that I am and not crumble into the weak girl so head over heels for a guy. (This is usually my downfall each and every time.)

He calls me on his way home to prevent him from falling asleep while driving; I'm already in my pj's laying in bed with my eyes half closed. It was 3:30am and I needed to be up by 6. Yes, I'm writing this to you completely exhausted (but on a coffee IV-drip!)

My fingers are crossed now. My piggy toes too. I hope this guy makes it well beyond 90 days.

*Photo Credit: SavageChickens.com

When is it OK to Lie on my Dating Profile?

I fumble with this debate a lot due to the fact that I am separated (just waiting for him to sign the divorce papers, its been more than a year.) I used to put separated in all of my dating profiles, but found that most guys would not give me the time of day. So I changed it to divorced. A lie, yes, but I figure that once they get to know me, it won't be that big of a deal. (So far, knock on wood, I've been right.)

However, that NYE date I had last week? His whole profile was a lie...but much to my delight. His profile said he was single with no kids. I am always hesitant about contacting guys like this because they won't understand someone who has been married or who has kids. However, he did this for the same reason I say divorced. Girls always shut him down when they find out he has children or that he is divorced. Yet as soon as he revealed that to me, I let out a sigh of relief.

Obviously there are some lies that are unacceptable, for example saying you are single when you are really married (like as in actively married, living together et al.) Or saying you are 5'11" and weigh 175lbs when you are really 5'7" weighing 200lbs. Or saying you have an athletic build when you really mean an athletic build for Jabba the Hut. Or even saying: Hair color, brown...when you really mean your toupe is brown.

What do you consider acceptable lies on a dating profile? What aren't acceptable?

Ps. Date number 2 is tonight with NYE guy. :)

Dating Advice: Don't Lose Your Identity

If there was anything that I had learned from being married, it's that your relationship is bound for hell in a hand basket the moment you lose your identity. So when I started dating again, I swore to myself that I would never lose who I was nor would I allow the person I was dating to get lost in our relationship. I've actually done really well with this in terms of maintaining my interests and not giving up the things I love, but I can account for one relationship where my love interest gave up the things he loved creating a lethal cocktail of dating disaster.

The guy I fell in love with loved playing acoustic guitar and electric guitar; he took lessons weekly, he loved car shows and he was in the process of rebuilding an old truck, he would visit his elderly mother every weekend in the neighboring state, every Thursday night was hanging out with his work buddies...and so on.

It started off that he would go to guitar practice and then come see me or on days when practice was set for late afternoon, he would see me first, go to practice and then come right back. Eventually he would just bring his guitar to my house and play, but never made it to practice. Soon he also stopped working on his truck and visits to his mother became less and less. I remember when he told me he was skipping a major car show in Maryland because he just wanted to be with me. I finally convinced him that we would go together. He was incredibly happy by this, but I remember wondering why he didn't think to ask me and could so easily give up something he loved.

So many times I would encourage him to keep doing the things he loved, but he would often say that he loved me more. Now I absolutely loved my time with him and we would have a lot of fun, but in the end he lost who he was. And as much as I loved him, I never lost sight of who I was and continued doing the things I loved despite him relinquishing all the components that made his identity.

So numero uno, when dating someone, please don't forget who you are and don't give up doing the things you love. It makes you who you are and eventually, when the rose colored glasses become crystal clear, your love interest will realize you have lost what they were attracted to in the first place.

Ps. I used to own a pair of pants like the one the guys are wearing above. Not ashamed to admit it.

Dating Stories: Too Much PDA

Don't get me wrong, I am all over PDA like Nandoism is Mexican or like Adam Lambert loves his guyliner; it's just a part of me. However, I'm sure you'll agree there are times when too much is just, well, too much.

Times when it is too much:

Exhibit A: One night while waiting for a movie to start, two males each holding a bag of popcorn, asked to sit in the two empty seats next to me. It was apparent from the beginning that it wasn't due to any interest in my good looks, because as I learned from their giggly conversation, they were on a first date. Within minutes of the lights going down, avoiding the use of their "inside voice," they began talking loudly and sharing each other's popcorn via mouth to mouth regurgitation (that's gross but really, that's the only way to describe it.) Now, honestly, I can't stand anyone making out next to me no matter their sexual orientation, but I like it less when your elbow keeps bumping into me as you porno tongue fence.

Exhibit B: When I was about 20 years old I was house sitting for my aunt. Obviously this has party written all over it (I was well known for the fun parties I held back then.) However, on this occasion as my friends and I hung out in the laundry room (I'm not sure why), we glanced into the living room and poked fun at two drunk friends hitting on each other. The overly animated flirting turned into some serious PDA and before I could say "I'm hotter than a hickory smoked sausage" they were engaged in full on sex, clothes off and all. Now, the only way out of this laundry room was out the door into the living room, so we simply turned our backs and covered our ears...well most of us did anyway.

Now don't get me wrong, I cannot date any guy who is completely void of being PDA-able, but sometimes there is a time and place for demonstrating such affection. If you've witnessed any overabundance of PDA, please share your story in the comments.

Taking Chances with Dating in 2010

New Year's Eve looked like it was going to be a wash. The snow was coming down hard, which meant plans to travel about 2 hours from here to meet up with family for the night wasn't going to happen. Roads weren't plowed and my backup plans to see a local band fell through the wayside when I saw the pricetag they were charging for their show (ie. more money than seeing an actual concert by a big name band.) Out of boredom, I popped onto my dating profile for one site, deciding to hide it...but immediately saw a picture of a guy that grabbed my interest, so I took a look.

I chose to contact him honestly not thinking he would answer, but he did. Quick emails turned into IM'ing and after a few hours I decided I would go against what my friend Mike the Master Dater has always advised me not to do--I asked this guy out. Of course, he happened to walk away from his computer just when I asked, so I was left hanging and thinking he would say no, but instead he replied, "So where do you want to go?"

It was literally 11:50pm and we met up in a parking lot. It was still snowing hard and I couldn't believe I was driving out in a snowstorm to meet a complete stranger 10 minutes before 2010. But as soon as I saw this guy in person, it was instant "wow." (At least from my end it surely was.)

Every bar we tried to go to in the area was closed, which was baffling considering it was NYE. We ended up at a restaurant that only had a handful of people in it. We talked until the owner booted us out at 1:15am citing that he was tired and wanted to close the place. Without anywhere else to go, we simply headed back to the parking lot.

Conversation continued to flow and lots of laughing. We discovered we had a lot in common and I just kept thinking how I was glad I took a chance by emailing this guy and asking him out. I think my best laugh of the night was when he said he wanted to drive over to the gas station across the street to use the restroom so that he would not be another guy who just pees on the wall. What a relief!

Finally at 5am he asked me if he could kiss me.

A few minutes after he was on his way back home and I was driving back to mine, my cell phone was ringing. We talked until he made it back home (about an hour away) so that he wouldn't fall asleep driving. He told me he had a great time despite not really doing anything. We ended the call with him saying he wanted to see me again and asking when he could call me. My first great date of the New Year. I hope it is a sign.

Despite if this works out or not, one thing I have pledged for dating in 2010 is that I want to take more chances like this.

*Photo Source: SavageChickens.com