The Lost Art of Communication...Has Been Found!

Well look at that, get a boyfriend and I drop you all like a hot potato. Actually, truth be told, my work life has been crazy busy, then throw in being a mom and then adding a boyfriend to the mix and you have the makings of the girl who ignored her dating blog.

So life is good right now. Nick is awesomer than awesome. He is quite the romantic and my cell phone is filled with blissful texts from him. We are all sorts of madly in love and I am crossing everything that needs to be crossed that this continues forward this way. One reason I believe in my heart that this is going to work out, is because I found something that I honestly thought was extinct.

The lost art of communication.

Oh.my.God y'all, it was dusty with tons of cobwebs, but dude--it exists! It was like striking gold I tell you. And now that I have found it, it was as if it shed light on everything that was missing from my previous relationships and shook me up realizing that I was actually in a healthy, functional relationship. WOW.

The best part of being in a relationship with a guy who lays it all out on the table, tells you what he is thinking, says what he means and means what he says and clarifies if it appears there is any confusion is that there is never that "not knowing" factor. Did he mean what he said? Is that how he really feels? Is he upset over something I said/did?

None of that happens. And you know what? It is an amazing feeling not worrying that something was taken the wrong way or relatively misunderstood in any way, shape or form.

Quite honestly, the only worry I have is over fear of the future, but for now I am taking it one day at a time and enjoying every minute of it.

Relationships: Trying to Avoid Self Sabotage

It was around this time last year that my 3-month relationship with the guy who was still in love with his ex was coming to an end, followed by a 2 week short dating stint and then when I least expected it, I came into contact with the heartbreaker. Today while attempting to decrease the ginormous amounts of emails in my inbox, I came upon a voicemail from him. My stomach turned as I dared to click play and hear "love you" come out of my speakers. It made me realize some fears I have found myself facing with Nick.

You see, Nick is incredibly wonderful. He is thoughtful, caring, generous, giving, sensitive, polite, funny, warm, intense and everything I could ever want. And that's the thing, I think to myself (often) this is what I want and don't ever want to let go. He met my family last weekend and they loved him. We've already talked about how, eventually, he will meet my kids. And when we talk, we seem to be picture framing snapshots in our minds of us 50 years from now.

I am so happy...but incredibly scared. The heartbreaker made so many promises to me. To love me unconditionally and to never leave.

One letter from him read:

"to my dearest and most loving girlfriend that I love so much, I'm never gonna leave you. I love your kids, I love your family. I thank God for putting you in the path of my life. I will always love you for who you are and thank you for what you do for me. You are an incredible woman. I can't wait till the day comes where I will see you everyday. When I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, I want to see your beautiful face, your beautiful eyes looking into mine. I don't think you really know how much you mean to me. I will be saying the same thing 50 yrs from now..."

But yet, exactly 1 month later he was leaving me for someone else (of which he is still with to this day.) So, I sit here trying very hard not to be scared that eventually Nick will leave or that his promises are not well thought out. Wanting to be able to feel the security in his words that he loves me, yet not let my fears of abandonment sabotage everything.

Have you been there? Did you successfully overcome it?

Dating: Online vs. Offline

This week MasterDater posed a reader question to some dating bloggers, myself included. The reader had an online relationship with someone she had never met and was looking to take it to the next level. As someone who obviously isn't new to online dating or the old fashioned way to date (meeting people offline), it got me thinking about the difference between the two.

This was my response on MasterDater:

"I think online relationships can, at times, feel more intense out of the gate because you have their pictures, their hopes and dreams all spelled out for you on one page. People tend to say things they wouldn’t normally say face to face, which then often leads to a false sense of connection with another person. Sometimes what looks great in email and IM’s, even over the phone just doesn’t equal real chemistry in person. Body language, eye contact, mannerisms…they are things that are crucial when connecting with someone in a relationship. This is something you just can’t get with a virtual relationship. Before wanting to take this to the next level, my advice is to meet this guy in person, for all you know he could be missing teeth and enjoy peeing on walls during a date. Not that I know from experience or anything."

The one thing I have noticed about online dating is that sometimes people succomb to what Nandoism calls IYH or "In Your Head" syndrome. Where you create this fantasy person based on what you have read of their profile, what they have said in emails and instant messages all before actually meeting them in person. I know I have fallen into this trap a few times and at times, guys have made me out to be Miss Perfect only to be disappointed when they find that I have flaws just like everyone else.

When I've met guys online, I'm not typically one for lengthy "online courtships" because I believe that you can tell a lot more about a person IN PERSON. And most times, this has helped sort through the wack jobs and crazy people pretty quickly. There was this guy once who told me that he only liked to email/IM/call the person for 2-3 weeks before meeting in person. That seems crazy to me...and a big time waster. People often accuse me of moving too fast, but here is one time when I think it is warranted.

When you meet someone offline you can occasionally fall into this fantasy world trap too. Of course, chemistry is a good filter. But sometimes you make a connection and suddenly you envision writing your wedding invitations before the end of the date. We've all been there, I'm sure.

If you have dated both ways (that sounds kinky) what has been your perceived difference of the two?

Ps. Everything is quite dandy with Nick by the way. Still all in love and stuff. :)

Relationships Are About Teamwork

Many who are divorced may agree that one of the things lacking from their relationship was that feeling of "partnership." I can honestly say that from the get-go I never felt my ex-husband was someone I would consider my best friend or a partner I could lean on. That's pretty crazy that I was willing to overlook what is the major "glue" in a relationship.

But once I got out of that unhealthy relationship I made the decision that I would overlook it no more. That is why I am really so gushy, sappy, happy over Nick. He told me from the beginning that he firmly believes in teamwork. And sure, guys (or girls) can talk a good talk, but for the first time in a long time I am in a relationship where there are actions to back up the words. And this only reinforces for me that I was not wrong to make this characteristic a priority in the person I would seek as a mate.

We both have a lot of crap going on in our lives right now, but it is a great feeling knowing I can seek refuge in what is really shaping up to be a fantastic partnership.

Have you ever been in a relationship that lacked teamwork?

The Honeymoon Period to Dating is Crucial

I am still happily enjoying the beginning of this relationship with Nick. Omg you guys, have I mentioned how awesome he is? Well, those who know me IRL know that I can't stop gushing over him...which got me thinking about the honeymoon phase being a crucial component to a relationship. In fact, different aspects of it may help you to see what is to come of the relationship in the future.

Sometime last year when I was frustrated with the guy who was still in love with his ex, I found myself griping to my sister about his lack of effort into our 3 month dating stint.

"I don't understand why a guy sees no big deal in not calling for days and days. Or just a complete lack of attention entirely. How did I go from flowers on the first date to negotiating for breadcrumbs a few months later?"

"I think you need to lose this guy. I mean, if only after a few months he is choosing to put in less effort, imagine how he'll be a year from now? In the beginning of a new relationship if a guy really and truly likes you, he is trying to impress you and go out of his way for you. If that's already faded, then you are not going to get what you need from this guy, ever."

Since she said this, I have used it as a source of measurement at the beginning of dating someone because it makes complete sense. If he really likes me he'll put in more than a concerted effort and he'll make sure there is never a doubt in my mind about how he feels about me--and it shouldn't wane within a few weeks (or months.)

So in fact, if the honeymoon period of your relationship is beginning to feel like the 7-year itch of marriage, then as my friend MasterDater would say, "Danger! Danger!" (he says this far too often to me!)

Have you found this to be true for your relationships as well?

(Psst! You can follow me on Twitter now too: @internetdate)

Sizing Him Up: What Are Your First Thoughts When You Meet Your Date?

When reading a post yesterday from Simone Grant of Sex, Lies and Dating in the City about chemistry, it got me wondering, do men and women size each other up differently upon initially meeting? I know that I have a line of thought when initial contact is made and I'd love your input if you follow the same (or different) thought process.

When looking at an online dating profile: Immediately look at picture (Is he good looking, would I sleep with him?), look at his description (Is he smart? Can he write complete sentences?), look at age and marital status (over 40 & never been married=commitmentphobe, under 40 & claims he's been married 3 times=looking for miss perfect, never been married w/party pics=he'll never settle down.)

Initial contact by phone: Take in the sound of his voice (Can it make me melt like a stick of butter?), how he chooses his words (Does he think before speaking or simply speak his mind?), is he funny (a sense of humor makes me want to have sex with you.)

First date: Look him over from head to toe in 10 seconds (Is he someone I would have sex with?), gauge interaction (Is there chemistry between us?), notice his smile and his eyes (do they say "I want to sex you up" or "I am truly kind-hearted"?), take note of how being around him makes me feel (Am I comfortable enough to think I would want this long term?)

So in a primal sense, my first thought always goes to sex initially. Because if I can't envision myself having sex with you, then I can't see myself in a relationship with you (I'm not a nun after all.) And sure, most of these first thoughts are very surface and shallow, but I think that is what we all do. I mean, who is really thinking "I wonder what his stock portfolio looks like," am I right? (Unless you are a gold digger, then Ok, I get it.)

So what is the thought process you follow when sizing someone up?

Can Money Buy Happiness?

"What do you want for dinner?" I asked as he pushed the grocery cart and I walked a few steps ahead.

"Chicken patties."

I quickly whipped my head around laughing and immediately said, "What? Chicken patties? That is so high school."

He wasn't laughing and asked me in a serious tone, "And why is that?"

"Because that is what I used to get for lunch when I was in high school. That is so 1992. What about some real food like boneless chicken or something?" I replied still giggling a bit, but realizing that he did not see the humor of his suggestion.

He stopped the cart, remained hunched over the top bar and asked, "Are you too good for chicken patties? Are you above that?"

That's when I realized this conversation was not about ideas for dinner at all. Nick is a chicken nugget, burger and pizza kind of guy and I am a steak, lobster and chicken marsala kind of girl. Do you get what I mean? A friend of mine asked me this question a few weeks ago:

"You just came from a weekend of hanging out with your friends who are well-known, don't want for anything and don't have a lot of drama. Then you have Nick. Is that what you really want?"

I am keenly aware of our stark contrast in social status. Nick was the teenager who got expelled from high school and spent a year in Juvie. I was the girl who went onto college and got her bachelor's degree. There isn't much we can relate to for our years prior to now.

It all reminds me of the Tyler Perry movie Daddy's Little Girl, where the lawyer fell in love with the mechanic. She lived in a posh house without a care in the world and he came from the streets struggling to make ends meet to afford his 1-bedroom apartment. Yet they fell in love.

And while I sometimes wonder if this will really become an issue for us at some point, I know that I look at him as a person and not as a statistical notch on the social status pole. He is an amazing person who treats me better than any other guy I have ever dated. And that is something money can't buy.

Do Men and Women Love Differently?

Thanks to Matt from Online Dating Paradox for a comment he recently left me that prompted this blog post.

Matt said:

"Do you think that there really is a difference between "falling in love," and "being in love?" They both seem similar to me and personally never drop the L-bomb until I'm absolutely sure about it."

Personally, yes, I think there is a difference and I think men and women view it differently. For me, falling in love and being in love are essentially the same thing. The moment I admit I am falling for someone, I am basically saying that the deed has been done--I drank the kool aid. But for men, I tend to believe they say "falling in love" when they are not entirely sure just yet. Sure they definitely feel very strongly about you, but they are not yet ready to commit to saying I love you. Would you agree?

I decided to ask some of my friends if they would share their view:

Nando:

Falling in Love is the process of "wonderful" that occurs when you meet someone who floats your boat. A person can "fall in love" several times a month, year, and even a day because of the chemicals released in the "falling in love" stage which are driven by the IYH Syndrome. Early in relationships, when everything is shiny and new--like an uncut penis--we want to "believe" that this person we're romanticizing will be everything we've always wanted--and I'm not here to crush your spirits. Why? Because it's actually happening to me--but I can't really say that I'm falling in love just yet--it's too early, but I know I think about him during the day when I'm writing, giving a presentation or even when accidentally "touching myself"--Oy, did I just admit that?

But there's an inexplicable slide show (like when scrolling through photos on an iPhone) that whisks through my head when I think of him. I see our first date and how nervous he was, him telling me to hold onto his arm as we crossed the street in the rain under his umbrella, our first kiss which was like a 1940s romance. And as cheesy as all my thoughts of him sound, for me, I still can't say I'm falling in love with him--I'm just really so deep "in like." So when does the falling in love part start? Cause child, I don't want a wedding ring--but I sure would settle for an onion ring.

Being in love is the real "nitty-gritty" hard hitting stuff that gels a couple together. That's the: "I've seen you throw up and have cleaned it off your cheeks because I love you." The real stuff like fighting over money because there just isn't enough of it--yet after the fight you both scrounge up $5 bucks and go out for an ice-cream cone to cheer up. It's wanting to see your partner succeed in all their ideas, it means sacrifice at times. Being in love is the real deal--the mechanics of the relationships, the "what's under the hood" stuff. Everything else is just for show. I've been in love several times--each one different than the other, and I still love these guys, in fact they've turn into my biggest support system because I find that if it really was love--the real stuff--it never goes away. Love changes forms, shapes and color--but because of the gods in the heavens, it always remains.

Abiola:

Ah Love. We all know the old saying, women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex, and smart women use vibrators to get off.

Fine. I added the last part myself but you must admit it has a nice buzzzz to it.

The stereotype is that women love deeper. This past weekend I watched a BBC film version of Jane Austen's novel Persuasion. The main character Anne Elliot is all caught up in a dramatic almost love affair with a hot sailor named Captain Wentworth. I swear that this was not a telenovela. At any rate Anne gets into a convo about whether there's a difference between male and female love. The main thrust of her argument is that women love deeper because there's less to occupy our minds. Anne, homegirl, we're pretty sure this wasn't true then and it damn sure isn't true now.

Although we approach love differently I believe in my heart that men and women love the same. We're both human, passionate creatures. For every wacked out Beethoven with his bloody ear his velvet pocket, there's an angry astronaut chick on a highway in a smelly diaper. Ok, bad examples. Suffice it to say that love makes both men and women gloriously insane, and I don't think that for better or for worse we would have it any other way.

And thank goodness too. As one who ponders this stuff for a living-- as a voluntary on-camera messy-nista, in my books, shameless videos and daily column I'd be out of a job!!

Mike:

I think it is pretty clear that both men and women suffer from the same wonderful/dangerous hormonal ecstasy of "falling in love." It is a truly wonderful chemical, limbic brain response that proceeds the next stage of love, "being in love."

While talking to my friend Jack, from F*cking in Brooklyn, he hit upon a phenomenon that I have never expressed in words. He said, "Women see a relationships as linear progression, eventually leading to marriage and children."

I would add, that men see relationships as a circular path of possibilities, which all need to be acted upon. The bottle stops spinning only when a woman is so exceptional that the desire to be in love, forces him on the linear path with the woman.

So what are your thoughts? Do men and women view falling in love and being in love differently?